I just don't know..............

We moved a lot when I was a kid. By the time I moved to Texas after meeting my husband I had more than 40 moves under my belt. After we got married we moved to a condo in San Antonio, then to live with some friends in Kansas City, then we got an apartment in KC followed by a duplex. After that we moved back to Texas and lived with my in laws in SA for a few months, then found an apartment in Austin, followed by a town home, followed by this house. We have lived in this house for over seven years and even when you consider the fact that we had to move the house at one point, it's still a whole hell of a lot longer than I've ever lived anywhere else. Which also means that this is by far the longest period of time that I've ever had the same neighbors. We bought and moved into our homes within weeks of each other, and while we didn't really get to know one another right away, we made up for that lost time. Together we sent our firstborn children off to kindergarten, we fought to keep our community from being sold, and more recently we joined a gym and are determined to get rid of that "baby fat" for once and for all. And now, after all this time, she's not right up the road anymore, and I don't really know how to feel about it.

I'm thrilled for them. They have a beautiful house that they've worked very hard to attain and I don't begrudge them that for a second. And I know that they're not really that far away, certainly no more so than most of my friends here in Austin. But it's different. *shrug* There's no one right up the street to keep an eye on my house when we're out of town. There's no one who can get my kids off the bus if I'm late getting home one day. There's no one I can borrow ingredients from if I realize in the middle of making something that I don't have enough. *shrug* What can I say, I'm spoiled, and now that I've gotten used to it I don't quite know how to go back. I just don't know.....................

Just do it!

But what? Lately I've been thinking more and more that I need to look into other career options. Big O is doing something he enjoys and while I am grateful for that, his getting only 40 hours a week means that I must bring in a certain amount of income to keep us afloat. So here I am faced with these questions. There are so many things I need to do around this house, so much chaos still to sort out, but how can I accomplish that while working 30+ hours away from home? It's so overwhelming sometimes. But is it realistic to think that motherhood might ever be anything other than overwhelming? There are always a million things to do and even if you make changes in your commitments the list manages to grow. So what's a person to do? More and more I want to do something creative, where I can set my own hours but will that really allow me more time to accomplish things at home? Or will I end up putting in more hours to bring in the same level of income I have now? I just don't know how to do it all. And while I recognize that joining a gym will benefit me in the long run, taking the time out of each day to use it causes further stress in that it leaves less time to do all the other things that I didn't have time to do before I joined the gym. Is it really too much to ask for the universe to implement a Mom's day, where all husbands and children remained frozen in time so that we could actually get the never ending organizing and cleaning done in peace? Without the knowledge hanging over our heads that we'd have to stop at some point and feed everyone. Or get showered and go to work. Or move on to some other task before this one is finished. Are we "modern" women really just spoiled or lazy? Our ancestors seemed to accomplish far more in their day than we manage to, but perhaps that's too much like comparing apples and oranges? *shrug* Whatever ones opinions the fact remains that while "Just Do It" may be good advice, it helps not a bit when one has no idea what exactly to do.

Disconnected

Such an odd feeling. Out of touch with friends, family, life. What am I missing? And how do I find it if I’m not even sure what I’m looking for? Am I just in denial? Something inside screaming to get out! Can’t hear what it’s saying! Don’t want to hear what it’s saying? Must find all the pieces and get myself put back together, or was I never whole to begin with?

Not the Mommy!

I'm done. I'm so over this job. Send my replacement.

Please?

Okay, if you can't send a replacement, could you at least send someone who would be sympathetic and understanding? I'm really tired of people (like my husband and children) making the ignorant assumption that I do all these Mommy things because I "enjoy" them. Really? I like sitting in a barber shop for two hours on a Saturday afternoon so every member of the family besides me can get a trim? And I love running all over town to try and get everything we need at a price we can afford? And the annual family portraits may be a hassle but they're necessary because I'm selfish like that? Really?

Whatever.

What if?

Today I had to call 911. We couldn't find Matthew and after driving around the neighborhood calling his name and checking all the houses we knew had kids he plays with, I called the Sheriff. Intellectually I knew he was probably inside someones house playing with a friend we didn't know he had, but of course that other side of the mind goes somewhere else. The "what ifs" play on the big screen of your brain like the scary images from Willy Wonkas boat ride. What if someone took him? What if he's in a house with some strange freak doing things to him? What if he's lying hurt somewhere and can't answer when we call? What would I do without him? Our neighborhood isn't really bad, but there are reasons I don't knowingly allow my 6-year-old to wander alone. The creek bed that runs along the back side of the community, where those without a home have been known to take up residence. The criminal element of those young boys who fancy themselves "gansta". There's too much at stake which is why we have rules. You DO NOT play outside without getting permission. You DO NOT leave our street without getting permission. You DO NOT go into any house without getting permission. All of these rules were broken and now that it's over I'm thanking God that he's okay while simultaneously fighting the urge to wring his neck myself.

The joys of parenting are many. Or so I keep telling myself.

(A huge thanks to the friends who without hesitation interrupted their plans to help look for him. We love you guys!)

we are here, We Are Here, WE ARE HERE!

First off, if you don't understand that reference your life is sorely lacking some Seuss. Horton to be exact.

Moving on....

I've moved. Sort of. See, this is "my" spot. The spot I share only with those who know me well and well, those who don't really know me at all. My other blog is for the rest of the people. The family members who would be shocked if they heard me say "damn", who would be appalled to hear me admit that I was in fact pregnant at the time of my wedding, who aren't really interested in me for me. *shrug* Thus I am separating this blog from my other one but in order to do so I had to create an entirely new account and blog.

So here I am. And hopefully here you are as well.

All posts prior to 10/18/08....

.....can be found here.