Chaos level... Yellow-Orange?

So much has changed in the home of all chaos. I mean... it's a completely different house... literally. We moved to a bigger house in August and though my life has increased in chaos thanks to my change to full time hours, the house itself is nearing organization. I need to post photos, but that will have to wait seeing as how my camera fell to it's death, in a cup of Orange Juice. Until then, let me just say that the amount of cupboard and closet space in this house is awe inspiring. It's a beautiful thing indeed. ;o)

I just don't know..............

We moved a lot when I was a kid. By the time I moved to Texas after meeting my husband I had more than 40 moves under my belt. After we got married we moved to a condo in San Antonio, then to live with some friends in Kansas City, then we got an apartment in KC followed by a duplex. After that we moved back to Texas and lived with my in laws in SA for a few months, then found an apartment in Austin, followed by a town home, followed by this house. We have lived in this house for over seven years and even when you consider the fact that we had to move the house at one point, it's still a whole hell of a lot longer than I've ever lived anywhere else. Which also means that this is by far the longest period of time that I've ever had the same neighbors. We bought and moved into our homes within weeks of each other, and while we didn't really get to know one another right away, we made up for that lost time. Together we sent our firstborn children off to kindergarten, we fought to keep our community from being sold, and more recently we joined a gym and are determined to get rid of that "baby fat" for once and for all. And now, after all this time, she's not right up the road anymore, and I don't really know how to feel about it.

I'm thrilled for them. They have a beautiful house that they've worked very hard to attain and I don't begrudge them that for a second. And I know that they're not really that far away, certainly no more so than most of my friends here in Austin. But it's different. *shrug* There's no one right up the street to keep an eye on my house when we're out of town. There's no one who can get my kids off the bus if I'm late getting home one day. There's no one I can borrow ingredients from if I realize in the middle of making something that I don't have enough. *shrug* What can I say, I'm spoiled, and now that I've gotten used to it I don't quite know how to go back. I just don't know.....................

Just do it!

But what? Lately I've been thinking more and more that I need to look into other career options. Big O is doing something he enjoys and while I am grateful for that, his getting only 40 hours a week means that I must bring in a certain amount of income to keep us afloat. So here I am faced with these questions. There are so many things I need to do around this house, so much chaos still to sort out, but how can I accomplish that while working 30+ hours away from home? It's so overwhelming sometimes. But is it realistic to think that motherhood might ever be anything other than overwhelming? There are always a million things to do and even if you make changes in your commitments the list manages to grow. So what's a person to do? More and more I want to do something creative, where I can set my own hours but will that really allow me more time to accomplish things at home? Or will I end up putting in more hours to bring in the same level of income I have now? I just don't know how to do it all. And while I recognize that joining a gym will benefit me in the long run, taking the time out of each day to use it causes further stress in that it leaves less time to do all the other things that I didn't have time to do before I joined the gym. Is it really too much to ask for the universe to implement a Mom's day, where all husbands and children remained frozen in time so that we could actually get the never ending organizing and cleaning done in peace? Without the knowledge hanging over our heads that we'd have to stop at some point and feed everyone. Or get showered and go to work. Or move on to some other task before this one is finished. Are we "modern" women really just spoiled or lazy? Our ancestors seemed to accomplish far more in their day than we manage to, but perhaps that's too much like comparing apples and oranges? *shrug* Whatever ones opinions the fact remains that while "Just Do It" may be good advice, it helps not a bit when one has no idea what exactly to do.

Disconnected

Such an odd feeling. Out of touch with friends, family, life. What am I missing? And how do I find it if I’m not even sure what I’m looking for? Am I just in denial? Something inside screaming to get out! Can’t hear what it’s saying! Don’t want to hear what it’s saying? Must find all the pieces and get myself put back together, or was I never whole to begin with?